


family of two

by closingdoors



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, i have a lot of emotions about charity + vanessa + motherhood so??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 08:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16323101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: Charity, Vanessa, and the gentle steps towards being a family.Takes place following the 16th October's episode.





	family of two

Charity practically collapses through the door to Tug Ghyll that night. Vanessa pushes herself up to sit, glancing at the clock and noting that it's almost one in the morning. Her girlfriend doesn't realise she's there, opting to simply lean against the doorjamb. 

"How is she?" 

Charity startles, placing a hand over her heart.

"Bloody hellfire, babe," she breathes, "you could've given me a heart attack." 

"Sorry," Vanessa says gently, peeling herself off of the sofa and standing in front of Charity. She plucks the hand from her chest and holds it between her own. "Any news?"

"Yeah. Yeah, she uh, she's stable for now." 

Charity doesn't look happy about it, though. Vanessa squeezes her hand.

"Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?"

Charity sighs, swaying forward. Vanessa drops her hand and ropes her arms around her tightly, her hands settling against the small of her back, pressing her face into Charity's jaw. The smell of hospital comes off of her in waves. Charity ropes an arm around her shoulder, the echo of a kiss against her forehead. Vanessa closes her eyes and they stay that way for longer than she cares to count. 

"You didn't have to wait up for me," Charity murmurs eventually.

"Don't be daft," Vanessa replies. She pulls away to cup Charity's cheek, her thumb running over the soft skin there. "Can I get you anything? You hungry?"

"Could go for some lasagne, I reckon."

Vanessa pinches her side half-heartedly. "Don't be cheeky."

"Honestly, babe, I just need to sleep."

Vanessa presses a kiss against her lips. Soft and chaste, but a little lingering. Charity's hand rests on her hip and squeezes. 

"Then what're you doing standing here?" 

Charity heads upstairs first while Vanessa locks up and switches off the lights. She makes her way up the stairs and expects to find Charity in her room. Instead she's standing at the top of the landing, peering into Johnny's room, where Moses and Johnny are sharing a bed. Moses has stolen most of the covers - just like his mother, she thinks wryly - and Johnny's on the very edge of the mattress, but they're otherwise fine. It's hard to make out the expression Charity's wearing in the dark, but when Vanessa places a hand on her spine she can feel the tension lingering in it, and she can  _feel_ the way Charity feels. 

Vanessa reaches past her and closes the door to Johnny's room. She waits for an argument, but there isn't one, so she steers Charity to her room. She slips under the covers and waits as Charity changes. 

"Was he alright?" Charity asks belatedly. 

"He was fine. You know they love a sleepover," Vanessa tells her, waiting until Charity joins her under the covers to speak again. "I could get Moses a bed, you know."

Charity frowns. "Eh? He already has one."

"I mean - for here."

As she expects, Charity goes quiet. She turns onto her back and stares up at the ceiling. Vanessa curls her body around her, legs twined and cheek against her shoulder, her arm wrapped around her tightly, tethering them together. 

"Yeah, alright," Charity whispers eventually. "But I'll pay. You can work out how to put it together. Never was any good at DIY, me." 

Vanessa presses her smile into Charity's neck. "Deal."

Charity runs her hand through Vanessa's hair. It's a soothing rhythm and Vanessa finds her eyes falling closed. They've been so rare, these moments between them now. Moments of simple affection have been stolen in the midst of chaos. She'd never thought, before Charity, that it'd possible to miss simply sharing the same space as someone so much. 

Charity's changed a lot about her, though, about the way she looks at the world. Some would think she'd become a little more jaded, a little more bitter, but she seeks to find the simple joy in life now. She's learned to treasure the small smiles Charity gives her in the time they have, the texts goodnight when they're not together, the sound of her slow and calm breathing as she sleeps. The spaces when there isn't drama, and they're just two people.

"Sometimes I think it's my fault." 

Vanessa's eyes flutter open. She thought Charity had fallen asleep, but her girlfriend is still staring up at the ceiling vacantly.

"What?"

"You know," Charity sighs, "stuff like this. Debs hiring that guy it - it's just like something I would've done. Before you."

"Well, I can't say I condone it, but I understand it." 

Charity's hand stops moving through her hair.

"But you've never done anything like that. You've never - all the things I've done in my life, you've never been anything like that, no matter what was thrown at you. And now Debbie _and_ Sarah are paying the price because of what an example _I_ set."

Vanessa props herself up on her elbow. 

"Charity, this isn't on you." 

Charity scoffs. "Sure feels like it, babe." 

"Look, it's a tough situation, I'll admit that, but if anyone can deal with it it's Debbie and Sarah. Because they're tough as nails. And you know who they got that from?"

She means it to be encouraging, but Charity's face crumples. Vanessa's heart lodges itself in her throat and she sits up to tug her girlfriend against her. Charity's tears drip down onto her shoulder, her forehead pressed against her jaw. Vanessa lets her hand run up and down Charity's back, attempting to alleviate some of the tension, while her chest aches for her girlfriend. Sometimes, there isn't anything she can do to make it better. And she hates it. Because she thinks - no, she  _knows,_ that she would go to the ends of the earth for Charity. Because she's it for her. She's everything.

"I'm sorry," Charity lets out, her breath warm against Vanessa's skin. 

She cradles the back of her head. "Don't be. Let it out."

Charity sags against her, apparently spent, the tears drying now. Vanessa cushions her cheek against the top of her head, letting her hand run through Charity's hair, the same slow and soothing way Charity had done for her. Charity curls her hand in the fabric of Vanessa's pyjama shirt. 

"I just want to do right by them. All my kids. And my grandkids. I've been rubbish and - I just want a fresh start." 

"I know." 

"No, you don't - "

"Charity," Vanessa snaps, sharper than she intends. She winces slightly but Charity stays silent. "I know you think you're rubbish. But trust me, there are way worse out there. My own mother included. Besides, if you were really so bad, would you be this upset?"

"But - "

"I know how it feels, you know. To feel like everyone else is doing a better job than you. And you were so young with Debbie. And Ryan. You didn't get to make the choice to be a mother with them." 

It's strange, she thinks, like looking into someone else's memories when she thinks of those first few months with Johnny. When visiting Johnny had been a chore, a charade to keep up appearances. When she thought of him as nothing more than tiring. Because now she looks at him, and she is full to the brim with love. But there had been a time when she had felt nothing for him at all. 

"You didn't leave your kid for dead, babe. Or sell him," Charity mutters. She tries to pull away but Vanessa holds her close. 

"No, but it took Adam abducting him for me to realise I loved him," Vanessa admits. Sometimes she wonders if Charity really understands that she's telling the truth about that period in her life. If she understands that motherhood has been a hurdle for both of them, and that they'll both fail at it more than they'll get it right, but it's the trying that counts. "And you know what? Your kids haven't given up on  _you._ So I don't think you should give up on you either."

"Please. Moses is too old to know better, I haven't spoken to Ryan in weeks, our Debs is locked up and Noah doesn't even want to speak to me."

"Is that right?" Vanessa murmurs. "Then how come Noah's just down the hall?" 

This time, Vanessa lets go when Charity pulls away. 

"You what?" She stares at her, eyes wide.

"Yep. Came over for tea." 

"Yeah, well, daft sod can barely even make toast."

"He brought an overnight bag with him, too. He stayed without me asking." 

Charity chews on her lower lip. Vanessa reaches out to stop her with her thumb, her fingers trailing a line against her girlfriend's jaw. Charity sighs, laying back down and pulling Vanessa against her.

"I just want a break from it all," Charity finally admits. "That's all."

"Then let's go on a break. Me, you, and the boys."

"This could all take years, babe. And who knows what's going to happen with Debs? If there'll even be a break."

"Then we'll have to wait."

Vanessa turns her head up when there's silence in reply. Charity's gazing down at her with that same look she had before, when she told her she loved her, that same look that makes her feel warm all over and makes her stomach fill with butterflies like some kind of lovesick teenager.

"You're really going to stick around, aren't you?" Charity murmurs with a touch of wonder in her voice.

"Why? You planning on going somewhere?" 

Charity rolls them so that she has Vanessa pinned beneath her, hands either side of her head. Vanessa forgets how to breathe when she looks at her like that.

"Never," she promises her with a kiss.

 

 

*

 

 

By the time Charity showers and dresses the next morning, Vanessa has Moses and Johnny ready for the walk to nursery, while Noah's sat at the table eating his breakfast. Toast crumbs and jam cling to the edges of his lips and Vanessa reaches out without thinking, licking her thumb and wiping them away. Noah recoils away from her, complaining loudly, but there's no malice in his eyes, just a touch of teenage embarrassment. 

Noah spots his mother the minute she's down the stairs. He fidgets on the spot and Vanessa moves away to pour Charity a mug of coffee, which she accepts with a grateful kiss. 

"How's Sarah?"

Charity masks her surprise at the sound of Noah's voice. 

"She's stable. For now. I'm headed back there after this, actually." 

Noah picks at the crusts he's left on his plate. "Can I come with you?

Charity straightens Noah's collar.

"You get yourself to school, mister," she says, and Noah's face falls a fraction. "But tell you what, I'll pick you up after and we'll go together, how about that?"

Noah grins. "Brill."

Vanessa watches him swing his backpack onto his shoulder with her heart tumbling in her chest. He gives her a shy smile and Charity a one-armed hug, where Vanessa pretends she doesn't see tears prick in her girlfriend's eyes, and then he's out the door. Johnny and Moses stare at the space he disappeared. They idolise him, even if he doesn't realise it, and she can't wait for the day where there's no more drama, when there's just a time of mornings like this. All of them together. 

Charity gulps the last of her coffee. "Right. I'll see you later."

"Let me know how she is. And look after you as well, okay?" 

Charity presses a kiss she thinks is supposed to be swift against her lips. But then Charity softens, like liquid in her arms, until they're presses together a little too inappropriately given the young eyes in the room with them. Vanessa pulls away to rest her forehead against her girlfriend's.

"I love you," Charity murmurs.

Vanessa grins. "I know."

"Oi! Cheeky," Charity lets out, kissing her firmly before she releases her.

Vanessa leans against the counter, watching Charity gather her things. The boys toddle towards her and Vanessa can't stop herself from smiling as Charity kisses the top of Moses' head as well as Johnny's. Charity has never been anything but caring and gentle with Johnny. So different to the Adam and Kirin, who had sought to prove themselves because they felt they had to, not because they cared about her son. So different to the times when she thought it would just be her and Johnny, and no more family than that. She wonders if Charity realises how beautiful motherhood is on her, especially after how much she has fought against to get here. 

Vanessa shakes herself out of her thoughts and pulls her coat on, the boys clambering over each other to get to the front door and to nursery first, their giggles loud and bright. When she had been younger, she never planned on having kids. She hadn't felt that maternal instinct, that desire. Now, as she opens the door and the boys chase each other down the path, waving goodbye to Charity as she drives away, she knows she wouldn't have her life any other way than this.


End file.
